Thursday, 27 January 2011

Frustration

I've never discussed fetishes with anyone who has one, so I don't know how deep they run, but this feels way, way deeper than what I imagine a fetish to be. There's no denying how turned on I can get when I think of how it would be to see and experience myself with a female body and to have all the subtle sensations that would accompany it, nor can I deny that this is the only true sexual attraction I generally feel, but sometimes I have gone weeks barely feeling turned on at all and yet all the while I still feel a longing to be female. Some days it is just a fleeting feeling, like something I forgot about that keeps to the edge of my peripheral awareness and other days, like today, I feel it so strongly, so deeply, that I just want to scream out in frustration. I don't feel that I am a woman in a man's body; rather I feel like I am looking through an unbreakable glass window at a place I want to be; a life I want to have, yet am unable to reach for all my screaming and banging at the glass. The most frustrating thing is that, for most desires, you can learn to let go and release your desire for those things. This desire however is hardwired. As much as I don't want to want it, it is still there, unable to be released, taunting and frustrating me, promising me peace and happiness if I would just embrace that which I can never have.

Introductions

Hi, this is my anonymous blog. I was inspired to start it after having read AutoGyn's blog for a while, as he has expressed a problem that I relate to deeply. I keep this part of myself completely secret from everyone I know in real life because I know what the likely outcome would be if I revealed it and I honestly cannot see any benefit to doing so, either for myself or for those around me.

I am what Jack Molay calls a "crossdreamer", also known as an autogynephiliac. Like your more garden variety transgender person, this means I want to be female, but in my case (and the case of most of other crossdreamers I think), I don't already feel female inside, rather it is a deep hard-wired longing built into me that I can't shake or get rid of, and that I can remember having wanted since I was a child. Also, the thought of being female turns me on; so much so that it's my primary sexual attraction mechanism. I don't really get turned on by sex at all; I have to imagine myself as a woman during the act in order to "get there".

There are quite a lot of variations of crossdreamers, with respect to exactly how we get turned on, what aspect of being female appeals most, how much we embrace our feminine desires and so forth, but I can only speak for myself. Some of us can satisfy ourselves by cross dressing and others by transitioning, but for myself, that doesn't work. My body is such that I could never transition convincingly. In my desires and day dreams, and thus in my preferred reality, I need to be completely biologically female. I need to be able to convince the one person who knows me best that I am actually female; and that is me.

I know that barring advanced future technology or some sort of afterlife setup that will allow me to fulfil this desire, it'll never happen, so I keep it secret and maintain a fa├žade of masculinity that I have learned and adapted to over many, many years.

I think I'm going to keep this blog in a format of short (even very short) posts, so I can use it as an outlet to express how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking in regards to this state. I'm not too worried if nobody reads it, but it is nice to know that there are others out there who share this same experience with me and to whom I can relate.

I'll blog again soon, but the main thing here is having got the "introductory" post written, the lack of which was holding me back from posting the random thoughts and feelings I have on random days.

Until next time...