Thursday, 27 January 2011
I've never discussed fetishes with anyone who has one, so I don't know how deep they run, but this feels way, way deeper than what I imagine a fetish to be. There's no denying how turned on I can get when I think of how it would be to see and experience myself with a female body and to have all the subtle sensations that would accompany it, nor can I deny that this is the only true sexual attraction I generally feel, but sometimes I have gone weeks barely feeling turned on at all and yet all the while I still feel a longing to be female. Some days it is just a fleeting feeling, like something I forgot about that keeps to the edge of my peripheral awareness and other days, like today, I feel it so strongly, so deeply, that I just want to scream out in frustration. I don't feel that I am a woman in a man's body; rather I feel like I am looking through an unbreakable glass window at a place I want to be; a life I want to have, yet am unable to reach for all my screaming and banging at the glass. The most frustrating thing is that, for most desires, you can learn to let go and release your desire for those things. This desire however is hardwired. As much as I don't want to want it, it is still there, unable to be released, taunting and frustrating me, promising me peace and happiness if I would just embrace that which I can never have.