Thursday 27 January 2011

Frustration

I've never discussed fetishes with anyone who has one, so I don't know how deep they run, but this feels way, way deeper than what I imagine a fetish to be. There's no denying how turned on I can get when I think of how it would be to see and experience myself with a female body and to have all the subtle sensations that would accompany it, nor can I deny that this is the only true sexual attraction I generally feel, but sometimes I have gone weeks barely feeling turned on at all and yet all the while I still feel a longing to be female. Some days it is just a fleeting feeling, like something I forgot about that keeps to the edge of my peripheral awareness and other days, like today, I feel it so strongly, so deeply, that I just want to scream out in frustration. I don't feel that I am a woman in a man's body; rather I feel like I am looking through an unbreakable glass window at a place I want to be; a life I want to have, yet am unable to reach for all my screaming and banging at the glass. The most frustrating thing is that, for most desires, you can learn to let go and release your desire for those things. This desire however is hardwired. As much as I don't want to want it, it is still there, unable to be released, taunting and frustrating me, promising me peace and happiness if I would just embrace that which I can never have.

12 comments:

  1. Hi Sarah

    Have you ever tried Second Life? I've been a resident using a female avatar for four years and have found it to be an enjoyable and satisfying way to express (and discover) my feminine "side". I don't feel like I'm a woman trapped in a man's body, but I definitely have a feminine side that I need to express to be fully myself and happy. I learned about this when I was in university; my first year Psychology professor had our class (some 300 students) take the Bem Sex Role Inventory and I was one of two males who scored very high on the feminine scale. He told the class about these two outlying scores and it didn't bother me at all; in fact I felt a kind of delight and satisfaction (maybe it was just a confirmation of something I knew intuitively all along).

    A

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  2. Hi April, thankyou for the suggestion about Second Life. I've played female characters in games before. I enjoy that more than playing a male character, but it doesn't give me the satisfaction I desire. I think this is because my primary desire is for a physically female form. The desire to live and experience the world and relationships with others around me in the context of the female form I want is definitely there, but it is secondary to and dependent upon first having that female form to start with. This is another reason I won't transition or explore fantasies with men; doing so would have no satisfaction for me in this form. Everything I want in that area is dependent on first fulfilling the physical need and feels hollow without that.

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  3. I just found this blog after following a link from Jack Molay's Crossdreamers, and I have to say, I identify tremendously with what you've said so far.

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  4. Hi Sarah,

    Thanks for your reply. I've sometimes imagined myself being immersed in an ultra-realistic virtual world, such as the one portrayed in the movie the matrix. If I could, I would choose a virtual female form and would be able to see, hear, feel, touch exactly as if I were a woman. It would be so realistic that others would never know that the mind "inside" the form was living in a real life male body and did not have a complete life history as a female. I would still know that I wasn't born a woman even though my existence in that world would be totally female. Unfortunately I would not be able to live there full time as real life would require my attention for income, sustenance etc. Would such an experience satisfy your desires?

    A

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  5. Sarah, I like your post.

    I don't want this either. It's on my mind constantly- torture. Anytime people express depression or rage about their daily grind issues, I quietly say to myself, "if you only knew."

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  6. Just another quick comment:

    I really want to know more about you. I like your introduction, so please don't stop.

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  7. I know the feeling. There are some days where I feel like I want to be a women or am a women and then there are other days where that not the case. You analogy of a glass window is how i feel sometimes unable to break though it.

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  8. I can so much relate to you...Up until now, ever since I was very young (4 years old- is the earliest I can remember) I fantasized about this..I never believed there were more peple who felt EXACTLY like me because im not homosexual or in any way attracted to men, everytime I see a hot woman, I only think to myself..she is so lucky to have been born a girl, wish I had her body..that's like the metaphore you mentioned of looking through a glass
    that matrix you mentioned above is similiar to the fantasies i always have, i think that would be really satisfying..
    these feelings of wanting to be female gets stronger and weaker..depends on the mood really, I really am thinking of being an MTF but I probably won't do this, I will probably never look completely female, especially with my big boned and muscles body features..it has to be done very early (around 12-16 y/o at max)to look convincing, but still, I am not sure if that would really satisfy me if i did that even at that age..
    anyway - looking forward for next posts, much luck

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  9. @Vickie - It seems to me there are probably a lot of us out there. Perhaps Jack's blog is a catalyst for helping many of us come together and start to discover how common we are. I hope more blogs spring up from those of us, anonymously "coming out".

    @Autogyn - I know exactly what you mean. I've wondered though, is our problem similar to what is experienced by a man who feels he can't get a girlfriend or have sex? Is our desire to be female equal to another man's desire to have (and sleep with) a female partner?

    @Sean - The thing I find frustrating is that the internet is an amazing reservoir of answers to almost every problem on earth. No matter what question I have, I can always find a solution somewhere online. In this case though, there is no solution that I am aware of. There is much discussion confirming that there is a problem, but nothing practical to solve that problem. It's very annoying, to say the least.

    @Jessica - I very much relate to your envy of women having been "lucky" to be born female. So many times when I've seen an attractive girl nearby I've thought how unfair it is that they naturally get to take for granted what I want so badly. Then I think to myself that maybe what I am thinking is just my broken version of a normal male's desire to have sex with her. I agree with you on the transition front as well. If I can't be 100% believed as being female, and have to face the risk that I might get "found out", not to mention the fact that wanting the "whole" female experience; hormonal, pregnancy, menstruation- everything; makes transition seem like a very poor substitute for what I really want.

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  10. @april - If such a virtual world were possible I would definitely use it! I have theorised myself that in the future such a thing might be possible. I just hope it happens in my life time. When I was younger I used to also fantasize about leading a double life. Continuing to live my male life, then at night when I go to sleep, waking up and living the waking part of my female life before sleeping again and re-waking as a male.

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  11. Hi Sarah

    It might not be that long till we have such a technololgy. In The Age of Spiritual Machines, Raymond Kurzweil predicts:

    "In 2029...there is widespread use of all-encompassing visual, auditory and tactile communication using direct neural connections, allowing virtual reality to take place without having to be in a total touch enclosure." p 351. Only 18 years to go!

    Your fantasy night life is kind of like what I'm doing now in Second Life in a rudimentary but quite enjoyable way. I get to act out the feminine aspects of my personality there and am accepted and treated by others as if I were a real life female.

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  12. @april to be honest I would probably play around with Second Life, though I have a girlfriend who knows nothing of this part of me and she would likely not understand why I'm moonlighting as a woman in a virtual world. I don't really want to be in a position where I need to explain any part of this to her.

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